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Friday the Thirteenth

Today marks the third, and final, Friday the 13th of 2012.  I am not a superstitious person, so dates, numbers, dreams and historically odd phenomena do not intrigue me.  Rather than dwell on what I do not believe in, today I thought I would share with you things I do believe.

  • I believe Marco Polo was not only a famous merchant explorer, but he also has the distinction of having one of the most annoying games ever invented.
  • I believe when you taste that tangy zip of Miracle Whip on your sandwich, you are actually tasting the Devil’s semen.
  • I believe that bad television is no substitute for good parenting, but bad parenting is perfect for good television.
  • I believe that rock beats scissors and paper.  Seriously, try stopping a rock the size of your fist with a sheet of paper the size of your hand, and don’t give me that crap about the paper covers the rock…paper can cover the scissors too (ever get a pair of scissors as a gift?).
  • I believe that if we went back to riding bicycles with the really big front wheel and the tiny back wheel (penny-farthings), we would have less accidents involving cars due to the riders being seen more easily.  Of course the amount of altitude induced nose-bleeds would increase dramatically, as well as fake Victorian era accents.
  • Like the musical pirate R. Kelly once sang, I believe I can fly…although I try to travel light, so I do not have to pay any excess baggage fees.
  • I believe putting the expiration date on condoms just adds unnecessary pressure to the situation.
  • I believe that all Olympic athletes have tragic backstories and have beaten the odds to overcome adversity, therefore you should make life just a little tougher for your athletic kids now.  When they accept their medal at Rio in 2016, make sure they remember the sacrifices you could have made for them, but didn’t out of pure love.
  • I believe that men’s thongs and women’s tube tops have done more to prove that the fashion industry continues to make horrible mistakes that haunt the world for years and years.  At least with automobiles, film and aviation the epic failures become collectible as classics.
  • I believe that less than one hour after Pete Rose dies he should be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
  • I believe that exploring the world around you is good for your soul,
    yet bad for your sole.
  • I believe failure is an option, but it isn’t a very popular one and all other options should be exhausted first.
  • I believe that changing your name to something ridiculous is not only a vain, egotistical, narcissistic move, but also a nice way to break family tradition and give your parents the finger.
  • I believe the term fast food is a reference to the amount of time the “food” stays in your system, not the amount of time it takes to prepare.
  • I believe black licorice should be melted back down to liquid form then cooled to make rubber tires like it was originally intended for.
  • I believe that if it wasn’t for the NFL Superbowl, Rocky and Star Trek movies, Big Ben (the clock), copyright dates in the front of books and Intel processors, the use of Roman Numerals would cease to exist.
  • I don’t believe in much, but that much I believe in.