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Help Wanted, Apply Within

Pope Vincent.  Let’s be honest, it definitely has a nice ring to it.

Now that Pope Benedict the Sixteenth has stepped down from his position I would like to throw my hat (however small it may be…for now) into the ring for consideration as his replacement.  If any of my readers  have connections with someone high up within the Catholic Church, please forward my resume which I have included below.  If I can get a copy into the hands of the College of Cardinals before they elect a new Pope, I think they may be able to see my potential.

Before I get to my resume and professional qualifications, I guess I should share with you some of my personal beliefs and what I would do to improve upon Saint Peter’s original position.

What’s in a name?:  Since the Sixteenth century, when a new Pope is elected he takes the name of a former Pope whom he chooses to emulate or whose policies and ideals are along the same thought as his own.  Fun fact:  Did you know that there have been Twenty-one Pope Johns?

I say…be your own man.  Not since 1555AD has a Pope used his baptismal name.  If I were elected Pope, I would keep the name that my parents gave to me, setting a new trend and becoming the first Pope Vincent in the history of the Catholic Church.

The Popemobile:  Up until 1978, the Pope sat on a seat, which was then hoisted onto the shoulders of some of his attendants.  As the years moved on and technology stepped in modified limousines, pickup trucks and sport utility vehicles have all been used to allow the Pope to be more exposed when traveling through large crowds.  The current cost to produce a popemobile is roughly $515,000, which seems a bit pricey and slightly hypocritical when driving by the less fortunate.

As Pope, I would want to spend less to get more.  I want to lead by example and allow my followers to be proud of their Pope and his environmentally conscience choices for transportation.

For long trips I would have to go with a motorcycle.  It’s quick, great on gas and costs $500,000 less than a new popemobile.  Since I cannot wave and control a motorcycle at the same time I would elect to have a side car installed on my motorcycle.  I can sit in the sidecar, wave and address crowds of followers and I would be seated and relaxed the entire time.

For shorter trips I would have my 1984 Ford F150 converted to the popemobile.  No bulletproof glass, no self-contained oxygen supply, just a comfy recliner and maybe a cooler next to it, so I can stay hydrated.  Bulletproof glass gets expensive and adds too much weight to an already inefficient fuel consuming mode of transportation.  Besides, my job is to promote the wonders of heaven, so why would I prevent a crazed gunman from sending me there sooner?  If it happens, it was God’s Will.

Pope Vincent, the mad hatter:  The office of the Pope currently has a nice variety of hats for His Holiness to choose from.  We’ve got the white skullcap (zuchetto), the super tall, upside-down post hole digger hat that has is reminiscent of the bishop piece on a chess board (mitre), the triple crown (tiara) and the recent revival of a red cowboy hat (camauro).

I say go big or go home.  The office of the Pope needs more hat options!

What if, as a baseball fan, I want to catch a ballgame?  I cannot in good conscience wear my mitre and obstruct the view of those fans seated behind me.  It would be a sin to be so selfish and deprive others their right to watch the play on the field.  Some may argue that I might be able to wear the mitre and sit in the back row, but lets be honest, I am a public figure, I need to seen, front and center (well…maybe front and first base side).  The mitre would not be practical at a baseball ballgame, nor would the zuchetto because it lacks the sun protection during a day game.  No, I would need to “blend in” and have a baseball cap added to my arsenal of headwear.  The Angels, Padres and Cardinals might seem the natural favorites of any Pope, but I’m going to stick with my Yankees as the official Major League Baseball team of His Holiness.

I would also need a Pope sanctioned helmet for my motorcycle transportation, a tuque for when I visit Canada, a Stetson when I attend rodeos and possibly a swim cap when I want to get some laps in as my workout.

Sexual Healing:  For too long the Church has shown poor judgement involving sexual scandals of all kinds.  I would lay the foundation for the healing to begin and to stop these criminals once and for all by looking to both the future and bringing back some of the past.

I would allow priests to marry.  I think you can love God, the Church and still have love for that special someone in your life.  Whether you are heterosexual or homosexual, as long as you are serving your duties to the Church, you should be allowed to love, marry or even be miserable with whom you choose (provided they choose you too).

I would support gay marriage.  Nothing says respect and stability like sharing your life with someone you love, no matter what their orientation.  Discrimination, fear and hate have no place in religion.

I would allow women to hold the post of Pope, Cardinal, Bishop, Priest, Deacon and any other form of clergy I may have overlooked.

Pedophiles and child molesters will be criminally prosecuted and, if found guilty, forced to serve the court ordered sentence to the maximum penalty (no minimums will be allowed).  Once that debt to society has been served they must then answer to the Church.  Church penalties for sexual misconduct will range from excommunication, being defrocked to the more extreme…castration.  That’s right, I’m not afraid to bring back the eunuch look.  Our choir might get a few octaves higher, but the alter boys won’t be sweating as much.  Nothing can be harder to forgive than to take the trust of a child and use it for sexual pleasure, so therefore nothing can be more severe than taking that tool of deceit and mutilating it.

Now that I’ve shared a few of my ideas on how I plan on making a positive difference in how the Catholic Church is accepted and perceived by the world, feel free to write my nomination in to the College of Cardinals to help make my dream a reality.

Below is my resume:

Attn:  College of Cardinals

00120 Via del Pellegrino

Citta del Vaticano

Vincent S. Lorusso

Kihei, Hawaii 96753



  • To reign supreme over the Catholic church and steer it in a positive direction.  To be a beacon of hope on Earth for all of those willing to follow.  To lead by example and inspire our followers to live moral and productive lives.

Summary of Qualifications:

  • Having completed four of the seven sacraments of the Catholic Church (Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist, Penance) and a fifth one in the near future, I feel qualified to share my experiences with others and guide them through their lives.
  • I have taken public speaking classes and am very confident speaking to large groups of people.  I have given the new team member orientation tours at my work, so I can think quickly on my feet and respond to questions as they arise.
  • I am an excellent listener and do not make quick decisions.  I have a tendency to internalize things before I speak, always searching for the perfect words for the particular situation.
  • I have read and watched Angels & Demons a few times each, so I am familiar with Vatican City and some of the layouts of the buildings.

Work Experience: 

  • Since the mid-nineties I have been working in the Hospitality industry.  Working in resorts and hotels relies heavily helping others and anticipating their needs.  Over the course of many years I have become skilled at making weary visitors feel welcomed, and genuinely glad to be in my capable hands.