I truly believe that if Sir Isaac Newton had spent time with my friends and I at Mulligans on the Blue, on a Sunday, he would have discovered his Law of Universal Gravitation upon the conclusion of an amazing night. He certainly would have had a much better story to be remembered by, than watching an apple fall from a tree (although being affiliated with apples so much I would wager he was a hard cider drinker).
“What the hell does Newton, his laws on gravity and an irish pub on Maui have to do with each other?”, you may be asking yourself (if not, you should be, because I just wrote it down for you). A rite of passage.
It has been a standing rule, within my circle of friends and acquaintances, that if it is your first time visiting Mulligans on the Blue, at the end of the evening you must take part in a life changing event. Something so special, so spiritual that it will bring you back to your childhood, disorient your senses, make your body remember it is alive and may even give you a few grass stains on your clothes.
The rite of passage I am referring to is rolling down the hill at Mulligans.
As this tradition is not meant for everyone, there are a few guidelines that should be observed for this event to take place. One cannot just show up at an irish pub in the middle of the south pacific and presume to be accepted with open arms into something so beautiful and sacred. Individuals must prepare themselves first.
The state of the individual:
Rolling down the hill is only possible when the individual is: intoxicated, inebriated, impaired, drunken, tipsy, under the influence, crapulous; plastered, smashed, bombed, sloshed, sozzled, sauced, lubricated, well-oiled, wrecked, juiced, blasted, stinko, blitzed, half-cut, fried, wasted,hopped up, gassed, polluted, pissed, tanked (up), soaked, out of one’s head/skull, loaded, trashed, hammered, soused, buzzed, befuddled, besotted, pickled, pixilated, canned, cockeyed, blotto, blind drunk,roaring drunk, dead drunk, punch-drunk, ripped, stewed, tight, merry, the worse for wear, far gone, pie-eyed, in one’s cups, three sheets to the wind, informal bladdered, or lashed. Basically, the opposite of sober. Not only does this help lower the individual’s inhibitions, but it also helps to loosen the muscles in the body so one does not sustain an injury. That’s right…drinking to help your body, not hurt your body. Safety first!
The state of the hill:
There are a few physical hazards that should be avoided if at all possible when getting ready to roll down the hill.
- One should always feel the grass with one’s hand first, attempting to discover whether the ground is moist. If it is, one has the option of removing any clothing they do not want to get wet before they proceed.
- One should look at the surface of the grass to see if it has been recently cut. Large clumps of dead, cut grass are left behind when the hill has been recently mowed. If the grass has been trimmed recently, one should plot a course down the hill to avoid any brown patches of dead grass trimmings.
- You should do a quick once over of your selected path of roll to check for any fecal land mines that might be in your way.
- One should begin as far away from the stairs as possible, especially if you tend to roll in an arc, instead of a straight line.
As with any rite of passage you will always find a few individuals or groups that take issue with years of tradition and will refuse to participate. People who choose not to roll down the hill at Mulligans are commonly referred to as; lame, stick-in-muds, party poopers, squares and on very rare occassions…douchebags.
Just like when you had a doctor’s note in school to get out of gym class, there are a few notable exceptions that allow one to excuse themselves from concluding their evening by not rolling down the hill.
- You are not drinking. Completely acceptable excuse. Pregnancy, recovering alcoholic, underage; who are any of us to judge your reason for not imbibing spirits? We all need a designated driver at some point and by not drinking or rolling, you, my friend, just volunteered.
- You are wearing a dress or a skirt. This is a borderline excuse. There are ways to roll without showing off the goods, but if your modesty gets the better of you, I understand…just don’t let me hear about how you have a killer bead collection from your trip to Mardi Gras after your decide not to roll.
- Physical limitations. If you physically cannot roll down a hill, I certainly understand…it also helps to explain why you drink so much to numb that pain.
In the event that you have to decline from rolling down the hill you can choose a designated roller for yourself. Although the Designated Roller rule completely undermines the integrity of the tradition, it has become a part of the event. I certainly do not agree with the designated roller, but I have filled that role more than once in order to roll multiple times a night.
There are no limitations on how you roll. Some of the styles that have been seen in the past are:
- The traditional – lying parallel with the crest of the hill, hands tucked against the body.
- The Superman – the traditional, but with arms outstretched above your head.
- The california roll – any roll where the individual is shaking before hand from excitement, alcohol withdrawal or an overactive bladder.
- The summersault – head perpendicular to the crest of the hill, head first tucked into body tumble (basically, ass over tea kettle).
- The reverse summersault – back first, head tucked into body tumble.
- The steamroller (aka: The Cherevka Steamroller) – any roll where a person rolls up and over another person, leaving behind a path of flattened bodies.
Good times are so much better with good music, good spirits and good people. If you haven’t found a harmless tradition for you and some friends to enjoy, come out to Mulligans (preferably on a sunday night) and join us…the first round is on you.
As the old proverb goes; A rolling stone gathers no moss. At Mulligans, that may be changed slightly to; A rolling drunk gathers speed, becomes itchy and then picks grass clippings out of their hair…and may vomit against a plumeria tree at the bottom of the hill. I like that saying for the brutal honesty it shares, but it doesn’t quite have that catchphrase quality to it.
Feel free to share any hill rolling stories with this blog and its readers. If you haven’t had the pleasure of rolling down the hill at Mulligans yet, tell us of any fun “traditions” you and your friends take part in.