Birthday Suited

At what age is it acceptable to treat one’s birthday as just another day?

Believing I may have reached that age a few years ago, I would like to offer my birthday of June 25th to an upstanding candidate who was born on either December 25th, February 29th or was born a twin.

I am of the mindset where I have no use of birthday celebrations anymore.  The frosted cake aglow with candles, that awkward thirty seconds of off-key singing while everyone stares at you, the pressure of blowing out all the candles with one breath and the demand that you make a wish.  It all becomes a bit too much.

In my opinion, the first 21 years of your life should be cause for celebration, after that you should only make a big deal when you begin a new decade (i.e.: 30,40,50, etc.).  Once you reach 65 you can have as much fanfare and ballyhoo until you pass away.  I believe you should have earned it by then.

With the abundance of technology at our disposal to transmit our sentiments or thoughts to each other, posting birthday wishes online or via text messages are two of the more impersonal ways possible these days.  There is no feeling of love found from writing on someone’s wall.  To send a text is the lowest form of communicating well wishes upon someone.  It is like you are saying, “I was thinking of you, but really did not want to actually hear from you, so Happy Birthday until I have to text you next year.”  I feel that if you really cared about someone you would want to hear their voice or hand write them a card with something special personalized and mail it to them.  As I am giving my birthday away, feel free not to do any of the aforementioned ways to communicate any well wishes to me, but you can always call to say hello.

Some people expect attention garnered upon them every year they grace us with their presence on this Earth, but I am willing to pass my birthday on to someone who never gets to truly enjoy their birth date.

If you were born on December 25th, your celebrity-shared birth date list begins and ends with Jesus…not easy company to compete with.  If that wasn’t enough celebrity for you, December 25th is also the birth date of: Sir Isaac Newton (Mathematician), Robert Ripley (World Traveller), Humphrey Bogart (Actor), Conrad Hilton (Hotelier), Clara Barton (Red Cross founder), Louis Chevrolet (Founded Chevrolet Car Company), Jimmy Buffett (Singer), Rod Serling (Twilight Zone host), Cab Calloway (Singer), Anwar Sadat (Egyptian President), Larry Csonka (NFL Player), Shane MacGowan (Singer), Rickey Henderson (Baseball Payer), Sissy Spacek (Actress), Dido (Singer) and Annie Lennox (Singer).  In contrast, a June 25th birthday is shared with the possible cast of a B-list reality show (in no particular order): Jimmie Walker (JJ from Good Times), Carly Simon (singer), George Michael (singer), Ricky Gervais (comedian), George Orwell (novelist) and June Lockhart (actress).

As your late December birthday falls during the holiday season, when people give you gifts, you can never be too sure if they are giving you a Christmas or holiday gift or a birthday present (hint: socks and underwear are Christmas gifts…unless they are sexy, silky or edible).  Clarity can be brought to those gifts when you celebrate your birthday six months later.

For leap year babies, born on February 29th, you do get a chance to enjoy your birthday, but unfortunately it is once every four years.  I’m giving you the chance to age a bit more rapidly and enjoy four times the amount of gifts you would normally receive.  No longer forgotten like the olympics (every four years) start living the good life and indulge every 365 days.

For twins (triplets, quads, etc.), you share your birthday with a genetic doppelgänger and can break the cycle of getting the same outfits by having a separate birthday celebration.  No longer will people ask which one of you is the older one.   One word of caution; breaking away and wanting to be unique may cause others to inadvertently refer to you as the “evil” twin.

If you are interested in taking over the responsibilities of my June 25th birthday, please reply to this blog.  I will not respond to people who do not meet the requirements mentioned above…unless you can present a truly compelling argument.

For those of you born on the date of a tragedy (December 7th, September 11th, April 15th, May 31st among  a slew of others) we can certainly discuss the option of taking over my birthday.

I am willing to skip the celebrations, the well-wishes, the birthday cake, the presents and singing, and pass them on to someone who will appreciate the display of gratitude of their birth.  All I ask is that upon my death everybody take all those years of not celebrating and use them to paint the town red for my wake.

I am going to keep my birthday suit.  That seems to be one gift that I cannot give away at times.

Vincent Lorusso Written by:

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives. - Jackie Robinson

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